


The One Where Everybody Finds Out

by Drarrymadhatter, Janieohio



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Awkward Flirting, Comedy, Fluff, Friendship, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Inspired by Friends (TV), M/M, POV Alternating, Post-Hogwarts, Secret Relationship, See Notes for Translation Link, Swearing, Перевод на русский | Translation in Russian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:55:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29391591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drarrymadhatter/pseuds/Drarrymadhatter, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Janieohio/pseuds/Janieohio
Summary: Their friend-groups have merged over the years, but now, Harry and Draco are shagging. This is the one where everybody finds out. Inspired by that episode of Friends (TV).
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Comments: 30
Kudos: 173





	The One Where Everybody Finds Out

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Drarrelie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drarrelie/gifts).



> This is a birthday gift for one of the most amazing women we know. Drarrelie, you are the glue that holds our group together and the oil that makes us function. Your encouragement, support, and friendship mean the world to us. We hope you have a wonderful birthday and enjoy this little gift we put together for you. 💚💛  
> -M and L 
> 
> Also, a thank you shoutout to [EvAEleanor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvAEleanor/pseuds/EvAEleanor) for the awesome beta-work. It is so very appreciated. 
> 
> [Russian Translation Here](https://ficbook.net/readfic/10421839)

_For E. We love you._

**1**

Neville let out a groan as a loud racket pulled him from his exhausted stupor where he lay stretched out on the sofa. He'd had a long weekend on patrol in Knockturn Alley. As a full Auror, even if a junior one, he didn't have to work with a trainer anymore, but he still got stuck with the crap jobs that the regular, more senior Aurors couldn't be spared to do. Most weekends, he would've been on duty with Harry, at least, and they'd joke, chat, and talk about the cases they weren't allowed to help with yet.

This weekend, however, Harry had been off shagging some girl in a posh hotel in Edinburgh, so Neville had to put up with Lavender Brown as a partner. She wouldn't be so bad if her voice wasn't so ridiculously annoying. If he had to hear her whine one more time, he might have to hit himself with a Killing Curse. Because, Oh. My. Gawd.

But the noise was more than enough evidence to prove that Harry was indeed returned. Neville ignored him and simply left his arm splayed over his face, wondering if he could catch a catnap before their friends appeared for dinner. The sound of another cupboard slamming disabused him of that notion, unfortunately.

Neville heaved a long-suffering sigh. "What are you looking for, Harry? Please just tell me so I can have five minutes of peace?"

"Do we have any kind of salve around here? I've got some kind of nasty rash all over my arse."

Neville didn't even have enough energy to tease; he just raised his voice loud enough to be heard across the room in the kitchen area of their flat. "How on Earth did you get a rash on your arse? What were you doing, shagging in the bushes?" He sighed at Harry's acknowledging chuckle. "There's a rash cream in the potions' chest, but you'd do better with a couple leaves from the plant on the windowsill with the red spine. Dock leaves are perfect for nettles and such."

Harry's voice sounded thankful as his loud footsteps trudged across the room. "Thanks, Nev. I owe you one."

"Yes, you do," Neville said with a bitter laugh. "I hope it was worth it. I got stuck on patrol with Lavender."

Harry groaned. "Sorry, mate. Truly." Neville cocked an eye open to look at Harry's guilty smile. "But yeah, it was completely worth it. I had some of the best sex of my life. I didn't even know someone could suck a—"

"Stop! That's enough. I don't need to hear how good she was. Geez, Harry."

Harry laughed. "Sorry. Do I just rub these on the rash?"

Neville nodded. "Make sure to release the oils from the leaves. So, is it serious with this girl?"

He thought he saw Harry grimace at the question, but he wasn't sure. "Well, uh, you know. What's serious really mean?"

Before Neville could retort, the door to their flat flew open, Draco, Pansy, and Hermione traipsing in, an argument in full swing. Blaise and Ron trailed behind them, amused grins on their faces. Harry just shrugged, grabbing the leaves and hurrying off towards the bedroom.

"Thor would have killed him. No problem," insisted Pansy, gesturing wildly.

"There's no way," Draco said flatly. "The dude had the Elder wand."

"Thor has his hammer! That's much better than a crummy old wand." Pansy's voice was beginning to rise as she got caught up in the argument as usual.

"Guys, give it a rest," Hermione ordered, shucking off her coat as she went. "Besides, everyone knows the Hulk would have totally handled Voldie in two seconds flat."

"No way!" argued Draco and Pansy at once, their eyes wide with exaggerated horror.

"Two words for you — Hulk smash!"

Draco finally threw his hands up in the air and approached the sofa. He pulled out his wand. " _Wingardium Leviosa."_ Neville's legs floated into the air and Draco plopped down, cancelling the spell, Neville's legs falling onto Draco's lap.

"You could have just asked me to get up," Neville said with a scowl, scooting himself into a sitting position.

"Honestly, Draco," Hermione agreed, taking one of the armchairs and pulling a book out of her pocket. "Or you could have just taken one of the other seats."

Draco shifted, his face scrunching up in a way Neville had never seen before. "This one's more comfortable. I, uh, fell into some bushes at my conference, and I have a weird rash all over my legs. The sofa is more comfortable."

Something seemed off about that, but Neville couldn't decide what.

"All over your legs? Wouldn't your trousers protect you from that? Where were you, anyway?"

"A lovely hotel in Edinburgh. And I can't explain the trousers because I don't kiss and tell."

And that did it. Neville might never have had the reputation as being the most clever student in school, or even the most strategic chess player, but Neville had a knack for listening to people. It often allowed him to make connections because he paid attention to details.

It was a fact that his roommate had just gotten back from a shag-fest in Edinburgh when everyone else thought he'd been away at an Auror training in Wales. It was also a fact that this same roommate was currently working on spreading the gel from a plant on his own rash in his bedroom, a rash he'd received by shagging in some naturalistic setting.

Neville stared at Draco, barely hearing Hermione's questions about the conference, and the full meaning of his realisation set in. His jaw dropped, and he struggled for words. Draco must have noticed something, though, because his eyes widened and he jumped up, dragging Neville after him back towards Harry's bedroom.

"Draco!" Hermione and Pansy both yelled after him.

"We're fine! Just need to see if Neville can help me with something. It's a guy thing. Be right back!"

Ron's voice came next. "Do you need—?

"Nope. Got it. Nothing to worry about!" Draco pulled Neville into the room and slammed the door. Harry came out of the attached bathroom and froze, confused.

"Guys? What's going on?"

Draco was pacing back and forth but didn't remove his eyes from where Neville stood by the door.

"Harry, Draco, you, and you," he said in a trembling voice, pointing back and forth between the two of them, "and rash, and weekend, and… and…"

"Oh, fuck," Harry pulled out his wand, and Neville flinched, sure he was about to be Obliviated by one of his best friends. But Harry just spun his wand around and cast a Privacy Charm.

Draco looked at Harry, and Neville could feel it now, the tension between them. How had he not noticed? It was almost tangible.

"How long?" He managed to get out, still unable to say the words out loud.

Harry stepped close to Draco and took his hand. "About six months now. Since we all went to Majorca."

That long. Merlin.

Draco turned to Harry and something softened in his look. He stepped closer and put his arms around Harry's waist. "Six amazing months."

Harry hummed, a smile crossing his face. He leaned in and gave Draco a gentle kiss that began to turn more heated the longer they stood there.

"Oh. My. Gawd," Neville exclaimed, and he wanted to curse Lavender for rubbing off on him, but he couldn't think of anything else to say. Except…

Except, this was kind of amazing.

It was kind of wonderful, really. Two of his best friends, together. And Harry had been really happy lately. Everyone had just sort of assumed it was from the stress relief of the vacation at first and then hadn't considered when it'd continued.

Well, Neville supposed regular sex with one of your best friends could be considered stress relief. He let out a nervous giggle, and the two men finally pulled apart, questioning grins on their faces.

"So, you're okay with this?" Draco asked, pulling his lips from Harry's to look at Neville with cautious eyes and a hesitant voice.

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, I mean, it's me. And I'm a guy. And Harry's—"

"Obviously bisexual, yeah," Harry said dryly.

Draco rolled his eyes. "Not what I was going to say. I was going to say, well, it's Harry. Mr Gryffindor who saved the world. And I'm me, ex-Death Eater."

Harry's eyes softened, and he ran a finger along Draco's cheek. "You're ridiculous. That's not you anymore."

Neville tried to make sense of everything he was seeing, but it was just too much. He needed to talk to Pansy and Hermione. "Who else knows?"

The other men exchanged glances. "No one," Harry answered. "And we kind of want to keep it that way for just a little longer. You can keep the secret, right?"

Neville groaned. "I hate secrets."

"Just a little while longer." Draco pleaded, and Neville sighed.

"Fine, but this doesn't mean you can shag all around our apartment just because I know, got it?"

Harry laughed, but Draco only shrugged. "Got it."

And with that, Neville knew.

* * *

**2**

Neville sat up groaning and hit his alarm into silence. He rubbed his grainy eyes and tried to shake away the disorientation of his late afternoon nap. He'd been having such a good dream too. There wasn't much use in complaining about it though; it wasn't like his Mimbulus Mimbletonia could water itself. He heaved himself out of bed, shoved his feet into his slippers, and padded out of his room towards the bathroom, stopping short.

His flatmate was on the sofa, wrapped around Draco. He looked as if he were devouring the man's neck, and Draco sounded as though he were more than fine with being devoured.

"Fuck, guys!" he groaned. "Do you bloody mind? If you can't get some decency, can you at least get a room?"

"Sorry," Harry mumbled, his face still pressed into Draco and obscured by blond hair.

"Yeah, you sound it." Neville glared at the oblivious couple. "Look, you two, we need to talk." He waited until they'd disentangled themselves before continuing. "I'm happy you guys are together and whatnot, but if you want me to keep this a secret, then you're going to need to stop dry humping each other all over the place." Draco looked ready to interrupt, but Neville didn't give him the chance. "I'm serious. You're causing me serious psychological pain, and I swear to Merlin, if you don't stop, I'll be sending my therapy bill directly to you both!"

Draco cleared his throat. "My sincerest apologies. I suppose we _have_ been a bit indiscrete." He pushed Harry away and looked as contrite as he sounded.

"Sorry, Nev. We'll try to keep it in the bedroom," promised Harry, his mouth turned in a wry, sheepish grin. He stood up and pulled Draco off to his bedroom, no doubt to pick up where they'd left off.

A few minutes later, Neville had sorted his precious plant and settled himself on the couch with a steaming cup of coffee and the latest issue of Herbology Weekly. He turned to the advice column and chortled to himself at the problem some old woman was having with her rare Amourous Tentacula — apparently it kept smacking her visitors on the bottom at the most inopportune moments! He eagerly read on to the expert's response, curious as to what they could possibly advise her to do when he became aware of...noises...coming from Harry's bedroom.

He cocked his head and listened, his stomach beginning to churn at the low, pleasure-filled moans and breathy declarations. The noises suddenly grew in volume and frequency, giving Neville no doubt as to what they were up to. He leapt to his feet and fumbled for his coat, but just as he was thrusting his feet into his trainers, Harry's yells of appreciation for Draco's size reached an ear-splitting volume. Like a rat out of a trap, Neville grabbed his keys and wand and Disapparated.

* * *

"Not that I'm complaining, but you've been hanging around here a lot lately." Pansy looked at Neville carefully, concern clear in her eyes. "Have you fallen out with Harry or something?"

"Nah, he's just being moody. You know he can be with work when a particularly bad case crops up."

"Oh yeah," she replied, scrunching up her nose in thought. "Remember last year when that case with the kids broke? I don't think he was in his right mind for weeks."

"Why'd you ask, anyway?" Neville asked with a shrug. "I'm not getting on your nerves, am I?"

"Not at all, dearie. In fact, you're welcome to stay the night if you want. I hate being in the flat when Draco works late. It freaks me out."

"Awww, sure Pans. I'll be your big bad protector!"

"You oaf!" giggled Pansy as Neville ambled around the kitchen in imitation of a security troll. "You fancy a movie before you take over my couch?"

"Sounds good to me," he replied, giving up on his impersonation and going over to inspect the pile of DVDs next to the TV. "I'll pick the movie, you sort the popcorn."

* * *

Pansy yawned and poured another black coffee for herself. They'd ended up watching movies until late, and she still wasn't fully awake yet. She looked over at Neville's sleep-slackened face with a rueful smile; it was difficult to blame him for her having to be up early, but still, she wanted nothing more than to courie under the blanket with him and go right back to sleep.

The appearance of a Ministry-standard owl jolted her out of her envious musings. It landed softly in front of her, holding out its leg for her to untie the delivery. She abandoned her coffee and checked the recipient — Mr D Malfoy — and untied the letter, curious as to why the Ministry could be writing to Draco of all people. She knew Draco gave freelance advice at times, and she wondered if perhaps he was consulting on some important issue or another. If that was the case, she would really need to open the letter. The contents could be urgent, after all; it wouldn't do to make such a sensitive piece of work wait.

Having successfully talked herself into it, she broke the seal and unrolled the parchment.

_Holy mother of Hecate!_

Her eyes flew over the messy scrawl, her mouth forming a comical circle as she read. It was Harry's handwriting; Harry's name scrawled at the bottom of the missive. It was _Harry_ who was saying he couldn't wait until that night to put his tongue inside Draco's— Merlin! Harry...and Draco. Draco was fucking Harry. Her best friend, with whom she shared everything, hadn't bothered to tell her he was fucking another one of their closest friends!

"That bastard!" Pansy screeched, causing the Ministry owl to fly off without its treat. "Just you wait, Draco Lucius Malfoy, 'cause I'm going to wring your neck!"

"What's all the bloody noise about, Pans?" Neville's sleep-laden voice came from the couch.

"Sorry, Nev, it's just...opened the letter...he never told me...and now…"

"Pans, you're not making a lick of sense." Neville got up off the couch and went to calm her down, obviously worried at her being in such distress. "Was it bad news? Is it your mum?"

"No! It's Draco bloody Malfoy, that's what! Look, just read this," she demanded, waving the parchment in front of his face.

Neville took the offending letter and scanned it, his face going blank as he read.

Wait. Neville already knew? She lowered his voice into its coldest register. "What do you know?"

"Look, Pans, I know it's a shock, but it's not actually that big a deal."

"What do you mean it's not a big— How long have you known?" she screeched at him, unable to maintain her calm and causing Neville to lean back a bit.

"A while, but honestly, it's _really_ not that big a deal. They're shagging, they're happy, and for some weird reason, they seem determined to keep it a secret. So please, just don't tell anyone you know. And maybe don't mention to them that you know either. They'll tell you in their own time, okay?"

"But I'm his best friend," Pansy said, and she almost cringed at the sound of the whine in her own voice. "He's meant to have told me already, and by his own choice! Not because I caught him out."

"I know. I think he's been feeling bad about it, to be honest. Don't let it get to you; it's not personal."

"I know," she conceded with a sigh, her fury having finally abated. She supposed she understood. Kind of. "Fine, I'll keep it a secret, but I want all the details." Fixing him with a stare, she added, "Right now."

"Now? You have work." Neville's eyes widened in alarm at her eagerness.

"I can't go to work; I've just suffered a trauma having read that litany of sexual deviancy. Obviously, I'm calling in sick. Now, sit and spill."

Thankfully, he realised it was futile to argue and sat down across from her at the kitchen table, beginning to tell her what he knew so far.

"I have to admit," he finally said, taking a sip of his tea and relaxing, "it's nice to finally be able to talk to someone about this. You wouldn't believe what they've been up to."

* * *

Twelve minutes past one. Draco was late, and Pansy found herself getting irate.

Draco was never late. Not once in their entire friendship had he left her waiting like this. She could feel her ire rising and was just starting to plan what to include in his Howler when the man himself blustered through the cafe door, murmuring a string of apologies about unicorn hair, potion spillage, and incompetent coworkers.

"Oh, just sit down, you big lummox, and I'll order you some tea." She signalled the waitress to bring their drinks over, waiting as Draco got his coat off and situated himself comfortably.

"So," began Draco, after the waitress had brought their cups and Pansy had been sitting staring at him for at least a minute, "you wanted to talk to me about something?"

"Not something specific, no. I just realised that we haven't had a proper heart-to-heart in a couple of weeks, and I thought it would be nice to take some time to catch up."

"Oh, okay then," Draco said with a smile and blew at his scalding tea. "Was there something particular you watched to catch me up on? Did you finally ask that bloke out from the second floor?"

"Please," she scoffed, "you know fine and well that I never ask anyone out. If they want me, they'll have to do the chasing."

"So, did he ask you out then?"

"No, but he did bump into me on the stairs this morning."

"That's...nice," Draco said slowly, looking suspicious. He put his cup back down and looked at her firmly. "Are you sure you're okay, Pans? There's nothing bothering you, is there?"

"We'll get to me. First, I want to hear about _you_. Are you seeing anyone new?"

"Nope," his voice was clipped and overly cheerful. "I'm too busy with work for a relationship, you know me."

"You're not seeing anyone at all? Not even for one date or a random shag?" she asked sceptically, feeling annoyed that he hadn't just come out with it and told her already.

"I know, right?" Draco grinned, oblivious to his friend's upset. "Imagine keeping a prime specimen such as myself off the market. Now, come on. I've told you my lack of gossip. How about you tell me what's going on with you?"

"Fine," she said with a sigh, suddenly fed up with his secrecy. If he wasn't going to tell her, then she would make him regret it, and she had just thought of the perfect way how. She glanced at her watch suddenly. "Oh, my, look at the time. I actually have to go. I just remembered I've got somewhere to be." She reached out and patted his hand. "I'm really sorry, honey."

He wrinkled his eyebrows as though trying to figure her out, but then he just smiled and shrugged. "No problem. I'll see you back at the flat for dinner."

Pansy brushed a quick kiss against his cheek, left some money to cover the tea bill, and swooped out of the cafe before Draco could so much as blink. She waited until he'd turned back to his tea, then she slipped back into the cafe and stopped the waitress.

"My friend really likes you, love. He asked me to give you his number." She slipped the young woman his mobile number on a piece of paper and smiled. "He's filthy rich and works as a chemist. You should definitely ring him."

The girl smiled eagerly, and Pansy beamed, turning to leave the cafe. She hoped the girl approached him before he even left. It'd serve him right.

* * *

**3**

"For Merlin's sake, Blaise, get your disgusting feet off my desk."

Blaise grinned and only stretched out further, crossing one leg over the other. "My desk too, Granger, and I like my feet up there."

She closed her eyes and counted to ten, begging for patience. It was also his desk, true, but only because they worked in one of those offices with a large, central desk that had two sides, one for each of them. His feet, however, weren't on his side. He was sitting beside the desk, his feet propped up in the middle. In their joint workspace. "Fine. Did you finish the file on the McDonnell case?"

He nodded and pushed a folder her way. It was why she put up with him. He was annoying as all hell, but he did good work. And, well, he was one of her best friends. "I'm hungry. What are we doing for lunch?"

She flipped through the file, reviewing his notes in the margin. They were exceptional, as usual, and she flashed him a smile. "No idea, but if this is as complete as it looks, we should go celebrate. The prosecution will zip up the case with this one."

Blaise grinned. "I'm brilliant, of course. We should try the new Italian place in Diagon."

Her stomach growled at the thought, but she frowned, remembering something. "I told Harry I wouldn't go without him." She looked at the clock. "Do you think we have time to swing by his office?"

"It's only down the hallway. I think we can manage." He took her arm in his and marched towards the door. "Besides, we're taking a long lunch."

That's why she loved working with Blaise. He never let her take herself too seriously and always made sure she took the time to enjoy things. They chatted as they approached the Auror department, waving at people they knew as they neared the door of Harry and Neville's tiny office.

"Harry?" Hermione asked, knocking. She knew he rarely scheduled his important meetings near the lunch hour, so she didn't hesitate before knocking again.

Blaise grunted. "Weird. Are you sure he's there?"

They looked around the room at the Auror desks, mostly empty as people were in the field or already off to lunch themselves. She shrugged and tried the handle. Locked.

"He's buried in work again, isn't he?" Blaise asked. "And then he'll not eat all day and we'll be stuck with him bitching tonight, which will upset Ron. Then we'll _all_ be in for it."

Hermione gave an unenthusiastic chuckle in acknowledgement. A moody Ron was never good. "There's nothing for it, then." She raised her wand to cast her strongest Unlocking Charm on the door, the one she knew always worked on Harry's locking spells. The bolt clicked, and she shot Blaise a smirk.

"How are you better at that then an Auror?"

She shrugged. "I taught him all the mundane spells he knows. I've just learned all their counters as well."

Blaise raised one eyebrow. "You are one scary witch."

"I'm a pacifist," she said with a grin. "But when the revolution comes, I'll destroy all of you."

He raised his eyebrows, muttering under his breath. "I don't doubt it."

Blaise pushed the door open and froze, but luckily, or unluckily, she considered later, she was short enough to see beneath his arm.

And see, she did. A whole lot.

Backing away, she heard Blaise closing the door quickly while she pressed her palms to her face. "Oh my god! My eyes! My eyes!"

Blaise was laughing. "Oh Merlin, did that really just happen?"

Hermione's mind was too busy trying to decipher all it'd witnessed to notice the man approaching until he was upon them. "Hey, guys," Neville asked, his voice questioning. "What's going on?"

She whirled around on him. "Neville! Thank god you're here. I went to get Harry for lunch and—"

"Silencio!" The spell hit her before she even registered the wand. When had Neville become so fast? He grabbed her and Blaise and pulled them into the corner, throwing up a Privacy Charm before releasing her from his spell.

"What did you see?" he asked, his eyes narrowed and a little wild.

Blaise grinned. "The palest naked arse in London that I can, unfortunately, identify from seven years of living in a dormitory, and it wasn't alone."

The tension fell off Neville's face, and he relaxed. "So, now you know." He sounded almost relieved, which was crazy, because why wasn't Neville shocked?

"Neville," Hermione asked, finally regaining her wits, "why aren't you surprised that we just caught Harry and Draco...doing...stuff."

"I think the word is fucking, Granger," said Blaise dryly. "Although, actually, that looked more like eating—"

"Stop! Stop! Oh god, he's my best friend, and I kiss that man sometimes. Don't go any further!" She turned on Neville. "How long have you known?"

Neville and Blaise were both openly laughing at her now. "Ages," Neville finally answered. "And now you guys know too, which is great, so they can stop sneaking around and we can just all talk about it!"

Hermione gave a little huff. She hated it when people knew things before her. "Does Pansy know? Ron can't possibly or he'd have lost his mind already."

Blaise chuckled out his agreement, but Neville shook his head. "No, he doesn't, but Pansy does, and I'm so bloody tired of secrets, so this is great."

"Except," Hermione said, her mind racing through the possibilities, "they don't know we know."

Blaise let out a thoughtful hum, and Neville groaned.

Hermione smiled. She was formulating a plan.

* * *

**4**

The Leaky Cauldron quiz night had rolled around, and the place was heaving with optimistic patrons, all desperate to have their name written on the winner's plaque displayed proudly upon the bar. In the corner, at a large round table, Blaise and Hermione were putting the finishing touches to their plan.

At that moment, Harry, Neville, and Draco arrived at the table, armed with several bottles of wine and seven glasses. Just as they were sorting out who was having white and who was having red, Pansy and Ron plonked themselves down into the two remaining chairs, both looking rather pleased with themselves.

Hermione looked them over. "What're you two so happy about?"

"We had a breakthrough at the shop today. Finally sorted out the issues with the Mini Spellomatic," explained Ron, grinning happily as he poured himself a large glass of white wine.

"What was wrong with it?" Neville asked, sounding interested.

"Well, it's meant to hold a mini, rechargeable core for basic household spells to help Squibs with day-to-day stuff. Except, after three or so spells, the core would overheat and send random sparks shooting out the end."

"Indeed," Draco commented, his eyebrows high on his forehead. "So, I take it you sorted it out?"

"Of course, George and I managed to loop the core so it just recharges itself. Not bad, eh?"

"What about you, Pans? How come you're so happy?" Hermione had noticed that she looked sly and pleased, which was never a good thing where Pansy was concerned. The woman was a Slytherin to the core.

"No reason," Pansy assured with a smile, "I just had a nice day is all. Nothing special. Now, will someone hand me my wine before Tom starts the quiz?"

* * *

They lost. For the first time in the history of the Leaky quiz, the _Lumosites_ had lost the coveted spot on the winner's plaque. Frankly, Draco wasn't surprised. What with Hermione acting possessed and his phone going off every two minutes, he was just happy they hadn't come in last. As if in response to Draco's thoughts, his mobile began ringing and vibrating on the table, drawing everyone's attention.

"Who the hell keeps calling you?" demanded Ron in exasperation. "That's like the tenth call tonight at least!"

"Tell me about it," Draco grumbled. He picked up the mobile and answered the call. "Hello? What? Who gave you this number? No, I don't want to go on a date. Well, you were obviously told wrong, weren't you! Don't call me again!"

He cancelled the call and dropped the phone back onto the table with a tired sigh.

"Another date offer? Is your dick beer-flavoured or something?" Blaise asked, sipping his wine with a grin.

"Funny, Blaise. Really hysterical. Never mind that I've been harassed most of my day, as long as you're provided amusement."

Neville got to his feet, wobbling slightly. "If you're that annoyed then just turned the darn thing off. It's hardly rocket science." He turned to the table at large. "Right, I'm off to the toilet. Someone order me a bottle of water? I'm getting too old for all this boozing."

"I can't turn it off," Draco mumbled to whoever was listening. "I use it for work, and I might be called in." He sighed mournfully, looking up at his friends. "I swear, if I ever find out who gave my number out, I'll strangle them."

"Now, Draco, try not to have a conniption." Pansy smirked over the rim of her glass. "I'm sure it's just your raw animal magnetism at work. Besides, it's not like you're seeing anyone."

Draco stifled a glance at Harry and instead, cast a glare at Pansy.

"You should ask Harry here for tips. People are _always_ asking him out." Hermione laid her hand on Harry's and trailed her finger over his hand for some reason. Her voice was saccharine, and hearing her simper was just plain wrong as far as Draco was concerned. She'd been fawning over Harry all night, and Draco was about two minutes away from checking her for a badly cast Imperio.

"Eh, I ah—" offered Harry intelligently. "Not really, 'Mione." He was staring at her hand on his like it was an alien appendage. He quickly drew his own back and tucked it under his arm.

"Really? You're not having people fall all over you? But you're so handsome and strong." Hermione's voice had dropped to a worryingly husky tone, and Harry jumped when her newly-idled hand slid from the tabletop to rest somewhere in the vicinity of what Draco assumed was Harry's knee. "At least, _I_ think you're handsome," she cooed, leaning dangerously close to Harry, causing him to fumble his way out of his chair to his feet.

"I—I need the bathroom!" he declared, his voice overly loud and shaky.

Draco watched for Hermione's reaction as Harry practically ran to the men's room. She looked triumphant, and she was grinning at Blaise. Draco pushed himself out of his chair and turned to his friends, none of them appearing overly surprised at Harry's escape. They were up to something.

"Harry's acting a bit strange, isn't he?" He kept his voice casual. "I'll just go and check if he's all right." Without waiting for an answer, he stalked off in pursuit of Harry.

Pushing open the bathroom door, Draco found himself facing a very upset Harry rambling at a rather startled Neville and clinging onto his t-shirt for dear life.

"Seriously, Nev! She's being weird and touching me and _leaning_ — so much leaning!"

"Harry, just calm down, mate." Neville tried to pry himself out of Harry's clutching fingers.

"Harry, love," soothed Draco, moving forwards to wrap his arms around Harry's waist, "calm down. It's not as dire as you think."

"Not as dire! Did you see what she did?" Harry screamed, wrapping himself around Draco like an anchor. "She touched my knee, Draco!"

"Yes, I know, baby." Draco patted Harry's back soothingly. "It's all right."

"She likes me! Hermione has somehow lost her mind and has decided she likes me!" Harry's wails were becoming less amusing and more annoying by the second. "She thinks...she thinks I'm _foxy_!"

Draco pushed him away at that, laughing. "Okay, you need to get a grip, and please don't ever use that word again." Merlin, he felt a headache coming on. "There's a very simple explanation for all this."

"There is?" asked Harry with a tinge of hope filtering into his voice. He seemed to be finally calming down enough to see reason.

"Of course. And it's lucky our good friend Nev is here to help explain what's happened." Draco fixed Neville with his trademark Malfoy stare, causing the other man to look extremely nervous. "Why don't you be a treasure and explain to Harry just how Hermione seemed to find out about us."

"Don't look at me; I never told them!"

" _Them?"_ demanded Harry, finally catching up with what was going on. "Who's _them_ , exactly?"

Neville gave a sigh that positively reeked of frustration. Draco would feel bad, except Neville could have prepared them for whatever this was and hadn't.

"Fuck," Neville finally said. "I told them this would all blow up." He started pacing, his heels clicking on the bathroom tiles. "Pansy found out first when she opened a dirty letter Harry sent last week, and then Blaise and Hermione found out when they walked in on you two shagging at work yesterday."

"Why didn't you tell us?" Draco demanded, irritated.

Neville halted, and his gaze was intense, reminding Draco that this was the man who stood up to Voldemort and beheaded the man's snake. It was easy to forget sometimes, but now… "To be fair," Neville said, his voice dry, "it's your own fault for not being able to keep it in your pants. Anyone else would try to be as discreet as possible, but not you two. You've got to send pervy notes to each other by owl and shag in the workplace. You've only yourselves to blame!"

"Forget how they found out. I'm more interested in why they're messing with us," demanded Harry.

"Right. I mean, Hermione is actually flirting with Harry. It's just sick."

"Ouch," Harry complained.

"They were just being idiots," Neville said, his voice overly reasonable. "Let's just go back out there and get it all out in the open. No more secrets."

"Or," began Draco, his eyes shining with mischief, "we can mess with them _back_. Think about it — they don't _know_ that we know that they know."

He watched as Harry thought this over, a large grin invading his face. Neville was huffing out broken protests about secrets — "I have my own secrets too, you know!" — and dramatic sighs, but he was easy to ignore in light of their new plans.

It only took a few minutes before they had a whole strategy ironed out. Harry was going to flirt with Hermione until she broke, and Draco was going to flirt with each and every random person who called him for a date. Once they had sworn a reluctant Neville to secrecy, they all headed back to the table, taking turns pausing along the way so as to not appear as if they'd been plotting together in the loo.

"Sorry about that, guys. Just a bit of a dodgy stomach from lunch." Harry grinned at everyone around the table as he dropped into his seat before leaning into Hermione, his voice dropping an octave. "I feel much better now, though, thanks to you being so _nice_."

Draco forced his face to stay blank as Hermione visibly jumped at Harry's sudden attention, her face paling behind her curls. Draco took a long sip of his wine and relaxed. Payback was fun.

"Have you done something new with your hair, 'Mione? You look really good tonight." Harry reached up and tucked a curl behind her ear.

He slid a little closer, appearing oblivious to her rising discomfort. However, before Draco could begin to enjoy Hermione's discomfort, his mobile rang with yet another unidentified number. He fought back a grin and answered, ready to play his part to perfection.

"Hello? Yes, this is Draco...Oh? Well, thanks, you have a nice voice too." He glanced around the table, letting his eyes shift guiltily, then turned and lowered his voice slightly. He wanted to appear to be hiding, but to make sure they could hear. "I'm actually out with some friends just now, but why don't you call me back later on and we can talk more, and maybe, you know, sort something out?" He hoped he sounded appropriately suggestive. "Mm-hmm. Great, yes. Bye, for now."

He placed the phone back onto the table and surveyed the array of stunned expressions on several of his friend's faces.

"What?" he asked in a perfect example of puzzlement. "He sounded nice, and it's not like I've got loads planned for later." He looked at Pansy. "And as you so rightfully pointed out, I'm single. So why not?"

Hermione, he noticed, looked particularly furious, but before she could speak, Harry put his arm around her, drawing her attention.

"Say, Hermione-love, do you have plans for later?" If possible, Hermione seemed to pale even more at Harry's words, especially when they got huskier as he continued. "Maybe you could come by for a drink and we could talk, you know, just the two of us?"

Draco choked on the sip of wine he had been drinking as Hermione jumped up and pulled Blaise and Neville outside for some "fresh air". Ron was looking at him with a raised eyebrow, and Draco found himself smiling jovially at him.

"Just went down the wrong way is all. So, how about those Cannons?"

* * *

**5**

"Guys," groaned Neville, sounding like he was in pain, "don't you think this is getting a bit out of hand?"

"Not at all." Blaise quickly fastened a pendant around Hermione's neck and then used his hands to sweep her hair back into a high, messy bun. "They started it, and we're only finishing it."

"That's right!" Hermione nodded indignantly, lifting her boobs inside her bra to boost her cleavage. "If they had just told the truth, then none of this would be happening."

"Keep still, Hermione, or you're going to end up with lipstick on your eyelids instead of on your lips."

Hermione dutifully froze as Pansy painted her mouth a rich red. Then, Pansy began to rummage through a pile of shoes, finally locating a pair of impossibly high heels. "Right, put those on and then let us look at you."

Hermione rolled her eyes at her bossy friend and slipped her feet into the heels, tottering slightly until she found her balance. "Are these really necessary? They're impossible to stand in, let alone walk."

"They're sexy, so deal with it." Pansy's tone brooked no argument, and Hermione sighed, knowing it was futile to argue.

"Well? How do I look?" she asked, feeling suddenly self-conscious as Blaise and Pansy eyed her carefully from head to very wobbly toes.

"Pretty hot to me," Blaise said with a wink.

Pansy nodded, seemingly satisfied. "I'd say you're definitely going to crack them first."

"Nev, what do you think?" Hermione waited for him to take his face out of his hands before striking a dramatic modelling pose.

"Yes, very nice. Harry will likely crumble at the sight of your tits and long legs. Congratulations."

"Thanks a lot, Nev." Hermione scowled, not impressed with Neville's tone in the least. She stepped carefully over to the kitchen and picked up a bottle of wine and two glasses. "Right, wish me luck."

"Don't worry, we'll stand right outside the door the whole time. Blaise has a stash of extendable ears," promised Pansy. "Now, go and win!"

* * *

Harry pulled the cork from the bottle of wine Hermione had brought and poured them both a generous glass. Something told him they would both need a decent boost to get through the sheer weirdness that was to be this evening. He handed Hermione her glass with a wink and a sly grin, hoping it came across as sexy and not just creepy, and took a large sip, noticing that Hermione was doing the same.

"This is a nice wine; where'd you get it?" As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he cursed himself. He was meant to be flirting, not planning next week's grocery list.

"I nicked it from Pansy, actually," confessed Hermione with a sultry pout. "Promise not to tell on me?"

"You're secret's safe with me, don't worry," Harry assured her, wondering how in the hell he was going to manage to move this along. Think sexy. He could do that, right? Except, it was Hermione. "So," he began fishing around for something flirtatious to say, "when did you decide you wanted to shag me?"

Hermione made a little noise at that, but raised her chin and met his eyes, fluttering her lashes slowly. "I'm not sure exactly," she said in a low voice. "I just woke up one morning and realised that I was seeing you in an entirely different light. I think perhaps I'd been dreaming about your scraggly hair and strong arms." She ran her finger up his bicep. "I suppose I just found myself powerless to your magic charms."

"Same here, if I do say so myself." He forced himself to leer at her, running his eyes over her bare calves and bulging chest. Merlin, what _was_ she wearing? "I just realised that I love it when you correct my wand movements. Then, later on, when I was practising my _wand_ movements alone in my room, I found myself thinking of you." Oh Godric, what was he even saying? He felt so _dirty_.

"Is that so?" Hermione asked, breathless, leaning towards him a little.

"Oh, yes. Now I find myself thinking of you whenever I so much as touch my wand." Draco was never going to let him live this down. How the hell had he gotten into this?

"Then maybe I should give you some more practical, one-to-one, private tuition. We could work on the best way to handle your wand and maybe more."

"Shall I put on some music?" he blurted out suddenly, desperately trying to control the furious blush that was surely spreading across his entire body. Fuck. He was never going to be able to look Hermione in the eye after this.

"Yes, please, that would be lovely." Hermione smiled in a very un-Hermione-like fashion. "Something soft, but with a little bit of a rhythm."

"Why? Do you plan on breaking out the moves?" he found himself grinning as he put on an Amy Winehouse CD belonging to Neville. Hermione, as a rule, never danced unless it was formal dancing at a special occasion.

Suddenly, he felt Hermione's hand touch his back, and he spun round to find Hermione standing entirely too close for his comfort.

"Would you like that, big boy?" she purred as melodic crooning began to fill the living room. She pouted dramatically at him before stepping back and beginning to wiggle in time with the light beat.

The surprise at seeing Hermione try and dance seductively was quickly replaced by the overwhelming desire to laugh. He'd always wondered why Hermione never danced, and now he knew why. She was so stiff and uncoordinated, like a marionette on a string. What was worse, she kept pausing in her movements to strike what she must have thought were sexy poses. After a minute or two of this, he couldn't take it anymore — it was either interrupt or burst out laughing and give the game away.

"You look so good, 'Mione. You're getting me so hot. Why don't we move this into the bedroom?"

His words had the desired effect and Hermione had frozen mid wiggle to gape at him incredulously.

"What's wrong," he asked, hoisting what he hoped was an innocent expression onto his face. "Do you not want to do this? If you want to back out, I won't hold it against you."

"Not at all," Hermione denied with a smile, seeming to quickly recover. "I was just hoping you could give me a sensual massage first." She ran her hand over her chest. "I'm so tense, and I want to make sure I'm all limbered up for you. I'm very bendy, you know."

"Well, ah—" croaked Harry, fighting to keep his equilibrium. Images of Hermione pouring oil over her breasts flashed before his eyes, and he panicked. "That sounds very nice. I'll just pop into the bathroom and get some massage oil, then."

Before Hermione could suggest anything worse than a massage, Harry practically ran into the bathroom to where Draco was hiding with an extendable ear.

He kicked the door shut and cast a quick _Muffliato_ , and looked at Draco in desperation.

"This is just sick, Draco. Sick! I feel filthy! She's got her boobs all pushed up and is pouting like a trout pleading for its life, and I have no idea what the hell to do about it!"

"Oh come on now, it's not that bad. Take a breath and relax," Draco soothed, obviously trying, but failing, to calm Harry's completely legitimate freak-out.

"Relax? That's easy for you to say!" Harry scoffed, determined that Draco understood exactly what Harry was up against. "She tried to do a sexy dance for me!"

"Hermione danced?" asked Draco in obvious delight. No doubt he would be asking Harry to show him the memory in his Pensieve later.

"Well, she tried. In all honesty, it looked like she was trying to dance out a tapeworm. And now," he screeched in a manner that would have made Lavender proud, "she wants me to fucking massage her so she's all bendy for me when we fuck! This is just going too far. She's not backing down at all!"

"Look, I know this is awkward as arse," said Draco softly, "but we can't let them win. You go out there and do whatever it is you need to do to make her crack, and I promise I'll make it worth your while."

"Oh, really?" Harry hesitated, his interest piqued. "And how, may I ask, will you do that?"

"Let's just say I have a few thoughts of my own about handling your...wand."

Draco waggled his eyebrows, making Harry burst into laughter. This may be a ridiculous crusade, but if it was important to Draco, then Harry would do it. The wand stuff was just an added bonus.

* * *

Hermione closed the door quietly behind her and looked helplessly around the hall.

"He's not backing down, guys!" squeaked Hermione in utter despair. "He's away to get massage oil so I can be all bendy for when we have sex!"

"Shhhh, it's alright," Blaise reasoned, rubbing small circles at the bottom of her back. "I bet Harry is freaking out way more than you are. Believe me, you look hot, and he hasn't been interested in a woman in ages. You're totally intimidating him."

Pansy nodded. "You've got this. We've been listening in this whole time, and you're doing amazingly. That whole thing with the wand? Priceless!"

"Yeah, just keep doing what you're doing," Blaise assured her. "You won't have to have sex, just a little more flirting and then I bet we win."

"Fine," sighed Hermione, feeling like this was way more trouble than she initially thought. "What can I do to kick it up a notch?"

"Oh, take off your blouse!" suggested Pansy, much to Hermione's horror. "Just go back in there with your heels and skirt and bra, and I bet he freaks right out!"

"She's right, Granger." Blaise gave her a quick once over as Pansy manhandled her out of her blouse and nodded. "That's good, but you should hike your skirt up a few inches too. Give him a bit more leg."

"Ok, but only a few inches," she agreed, folding her waistband in on itself until her calf-length pencil skirt was finally sitting above her knee and the slit hit her mid-thigh. "Right. I'm going back in. But I swear, if he tries to get me into bed, I'll murder him _and_ the two of you for good measure."

With one last furious look at her friends, Hermione stepped back into Harry's flat, closing the door behind her.

A quick glance around the room showed Harry to still be in the bathroom getting the oil. She looked around, trying to decide where to position herself to give Harry the most shock. Finally, she settled on lounging back on the couch, her arms propping her up and her legs crossed, sure to draw his attention. It reminded her of that one Sharon Stone movie she'd seen and made her blush. It wasn't the most comfortable of strategic positions, but she knew it would give him a perfect view of her revised outfit, and most of all, it'd be effective.

"Sorry I was so long, I couldn't find the oil at first—" Harry had come striding out of the bathroom and stopped dead at the sight of Hermione sitting half-naked on his couch.

"I'm glad you're back, Harry. I was getting lonely without you."

"You've taken off...you've changed," blustered Harry, much to Hermione's delight.

"Do you like it?" she asked, licking her lips lasciviously. "It made sense since you're going to massage me, and I was feeling just so hot from being around you."

"You know, I've never actually given a massage before," Harry confided, a flicker of hope fleeting across his face. "What if I end up hurting you?"

"Well, in that case," she drawled, pushing herself off the couch and stalking slowly towards where Harry stood as if petrified, "maybe we should skip the massage and just go straight to the bedroom after all?"

"Perfect," Harry answered with a strained smile. "I'm very happy that we're finally going to have all the sex."

"Me too," agreed Hermione, finally coming to a stop directly in front of Harry. "I really want this to happen. I've been thinking of nothing else all night."

Harry stepped even closer to her, leaving only an inch or so was between their bodies, and slid his arms around her waist. Hermione did her best to look interested and fought the rising urge to slap him six ways to Sunday for touching her when she was half-dressed without there being some kind of life-threatening circumstance. She gathered her Gryffindor courage, imagined her triumph when she won this farce, and slid her arms loosely around his neck in retaliation, gratified at the sudden panic that flashed in his eyes.

"Wow, I can't believe we're finally going to have our first kiss," she stated breathlessly. She hoped to all the gods in the heavens that she sounded sexy and not terrified. Or disgusted. Because honestly, this was like kissing her brother.

"Well, I guess now that you're in my arms, there's nothing left to do but actually kiss." Harry looked pale and sweaty, like a trapped animal. However, she recognised the glint in his eyes, the stubborn edge he took on when faced with overwhelming odds.

"Here it comes," she advised, trying to buy time. "Be gentle with me, Harry."

After the longest ten seconds of her life in which Harry just stared at her, he finally began to lean in until their lips were finally touching and, Oh-Holy-Mother-Of-Merlin, Harry was kissing her! Okay, it was closed-mouthed — talk about small mercies — but his lips were on hers, all warm and thin not just a friendly peck, and it was wrong, wrong, wrong!

"I can't—" Harry gasped suddenly, lurching out of her arms and retreating to a safe distance a few feet away. "You win! I just can't do this!"

"Ha!" crowed Hermione, her face flushed with her success.

"I can't have sex with you!" reiterated Harry, sounding completely panicked.

"And why not?" she prompted, finally determined to get the truth out once and for all.

"Because I'm in love with Draco!"

At his proclamation, Hermione's mind went blank and she only barely registered Draco stumbling out of the bathroom just as Pansy, Blaise, and Neville pushed the front door open in shock.

"You what?" gasped Hermione, suddenly feeling wrong-footed. "I thought you guys were just shagging." She paused, and then a smile pushed its way onto her face. "I had no idea you were _in love_!"

Harry's voice was firm. "Sorry, but it's true," He looked relieved to get it all out once and for all. "I love Draco. I love him."

Hermione watched with bated breath as Harry finally turned to face Draco, both men with ridiculously sappy looks on their faces.

"I love you so fucking much, Draco," sighed Harry, wrapping his arms around Draco's waist.

Draco smiled affectionately. "I love you too, you great big lummox."

As the two love birds shared a rather indecent kiss, Hermione quickly grabbed her blouse from Pansy and thrust her arms through the sleeves, her fingers flying over the buttons frantically.

Once her top half was decent, she quickly rolled her skirt back down to the proper length and grinned goofily at the room at large. She had to admit that once the shock had worn off, Harry and Draco made a pretty amazing looking couple.

"Finally!" screeched Neville, looking positively delirious at the revelation. "Not that I'm not happy for you guys," he added to Harry and Draco, "but you guys have no idea how glad I am that everyone knows!" He began to laugh somewhat hysterically.

"Actually, Ron doesn't," contradicted Harry apologetically, cutting off Neville's triumph. "We really don't want him to find out yet, guys. I need to come out to him first and stuff."

"Yeah, so if you don't mind, could you keep it a secret a while longer?" asked Draco hopefully.

Hermione went to reassure them both of her secrecy but was cut off by Neville emitting a howl of utter frustration and dropping to his knees right there in the doorway to Harry's flat. Quickly, she darted over to the wine bottle and poured him a large glass and handed it to him. Sometimes the only way forward was to embrace the bottle and smile.

* * *

**6 Epilogue**

"So, everyone knows except Ron," Harry said. He ran his finger across Draco's nipple and gave it a little pinch. Draco groaned and tried to adjust himself, but there wasn't much room where they lay together naked on Harry's sofa. "I think I'll talk to him this weekend, let him know I'm seeing someone and that it's a man. We'll give him a few weeks to get used to that idea, and then we'll tell him, yeah?"

Draco considered. It really felt like a bad idea to put it off any longer now that everyone else knew. "He's been less stressed lately, and it's not like we're not friends. I think he can handle it, Harry."

"Ah, but in his mind, there's a difference between his being friends with a Malfoy and his best friend being in love with Draco Malfoy — especially when he didn't even know his best friend liked men."

"To be fair, _you_ didn't even realise you liked men."

Harry shrugged. "True enough." He leaned forwards and gave the nipple a long lick then sucked it into his mouth.

"As long as you realise it now," Draco said on a moan, sliding his hand down Harry's back and running fingers over the bare cleft of the man's perfect arse.

"Can we not talk about Ron anymore?" Harry murmured, sliding down Draco's torso and hovering over the place Draco most wanted him to be at the moment.

" _Merlin._ Agreed. Just—" Draco cut off as he lost his breath, his senses immune to anything else but Harry.

Finally, Draco growled, unable to wait any longer, and pulled Harry back up to his face, their chests together. He flipped them both over so Harry was under him and captured Harry's swollen lips with his own, eager to continue.

In his excitement, the remote chime of an incoming Floo-call barely registered in Draco's mind.

"Harry? What—"

Harry and Draco both froze at the sound. The screech that followed would haunt Draco for the rest of his days.

" _What_ are you doing?" A shrieking voice cut through their daze. "Get off my Harry! Get _off_ my Harry!"

Draco dropped his head. Well, at least now Ron knew.

* * *

_Finis_

**Author's Note:**

> This is the second story that we've written together, and there's another, longer story, already in the works for later this year. Thanks for reading!


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